Top Shelf Gemstone
by BlueCorundum
Summary: An uptight Gemstone finds her chill through a series of misunderstandings. Warning: Accidental drug-use, mild adult themes. Look at the date this was posted and draw your own conclusions about the writing process.


_I blame my friend for getting me to upload this. I was just going to delete it and forget it existed, but he felt that this needed to be shared with the internet. You know who you are sir!_

_Edit: One of my commenters made a very good point. For all we know, Gems aren't affected like humans are by substances. I assumed they had a basic nervous and digestive system, and that the food they eat affects them somewhat. I base this on Amethyst getting sick from a burrito. However, there is a sound argument to be made that most of their cognition comes from the gemstone rather than the projected body, so this logic is probably flimsier than the stools the Gems were building in Shirt Club. It's funny here, so I'm allowing it to fly, but if something similar comes up in a more serious story I'll probably agree with spiderwilliam13 that Gems aren't affected the same way as humans by intoxicants or poisons. _

* * *

Steven and Amethyst sat in the living room, arranging their haul. Packaged snack foods covered every surface, from the arm rests to the table. Steven paced around the trove of treats, nodding to himself as he took inventory. Satisfied, he stood on a couch cushion, dramatically clearing his throat.

"Okay Amethyst, I think we got everything. Let Snack-pocolypse 2015 commence!"

He jumped up, flopping down on the couch and laughing. Amethyst rubbed her hands together gleefully. "Awww yeah, let's get this party started!"

She grabbed a cupcake, ripping the package with her teeth and shoving the entire thing in her maw. Steven waggled his eyebrows at her and raised her two cakes, ripping them open and ramming both of them into his mouth. Amethyst accepted the challenge, grabbing an entire bag cheese-corn and dumping it over her face. The one-upmanship continued for several minutes, then the warp pad glowed.

Amethyst let out a dissatisfied groan as she saw a slender silhouette materialize. Steven smiled at the form as the light dissipated.

"Hi Pearl!"

Pearl grinned back at him, opening her mouth to reply. She halted as she took in the carnage around the living room, her face settling into a frown.

"Steven! What are you doing? You're going to make yourself sick!"

Amethyst rolled her eyes, grunting dismissively. Her cheeks resembled a chipmunk's, and she couldn't quite form words, but she got her point across.

"Unbelievable. Honestly Amethyst, you know this isn't good for him!"

"Hrmf-mrph, no-furn-at-aww,"

"Fun? What could possibly be fun about this!"

"But Pearl, it's our tradition! Come on, I know you don't like food, but this isn't just any old food. Why don't you try something, maybe you'll like it."

Steven offered her a box of Caramel Comets, knowing she wouldn't take it but feeling obligated to include her. "How about these ones? Look, they even have space stuff on the box!"

As expected, Pearl turned her nose up, folding her arms. "Absolutely not!"

Amethyst had finally managed to chew and swallow everything she stuffed into her mouth, and she snorted derisively.

"Don't bother Steven, Captain Buzz-kill over there isn't going to budge. She wouldn't know a good time if it bit her on the beak."

"Hey!"

"Aww, come on guys, no fighting! This is meant to be a joyous occasion."

They continued to bicker regardless, and the warp-pad glowed again.

"I am NOT a - a 'buzz-kill'! Garnet tell her!"

"You can be kind of a buzz-kill sometimes."

Pearl's face fell, her shoulders slumping. "Sorry," said Garnet, putting a hand on her shoulder. Pearl shook it off angrily.

"Uuugh! Fine!" Pearl shouted. She stamped over to the table, snatching an apple-fritter. "Fine!" she shouted again, ripping it open.

"WAIT!"

Pearl froze, startled by Steven's outburst. He moved closer to her, eyes shining. "Are you really going to eat something?"

"Er... yes, that is what I plan to do. I am not a buzz-kill," she said, glaring at her fellow Gems. Garnet looked on with interest, and Amethyst was uncharacteristically silent, staring at Pearl in surprise.

"How long has it been since you last ate something?" asked Steven.

Pearl pondered that for a moment, raising a long finger to tap her chin. "At least four-thousand years. I gave it up for good after a particularly... unpleasant experience at a victory feast some humans held for us when we saved one of their kingdoms."

"She totally got the screaming-"

"AMETHYST!"

The purple Gem snickered. "Aaaanyway, I haven't had food in a very long time, let's leave it at that, shall we?"

Steven shook his head, taking the fritter away from Pearl and tossing it to Amethyst, who promptly caught it in her mouth. "I can't let you eat just any grocery-store junk for your first snack in centuries!"

"A moment ago you _wanted_ me to eat one of these preservative loaded gut-bombs!"

"Well yeah, but I didn't think you were really gonna do it," he said. He stood up, hands on his hips. "I'm going to get you something extra-special, and I know just the place find it. Wait here a minute."

With that, he ran out the door, leaving a trio of confused Gems in his wake.

* * *

The doorbell to the Big Donut tinkled as Steven strode in purposefully. To his surprise, Lars was manning the counter, alone. Then he remembered that this was about the time that Sadie's favorite show usually came on.

"Whaddya want Steven?"

Steven smiled, glad that he had caught Lars in a helpful mood, then squared his shoulders. He was on a mission, after all.

"All right Lars, I'm going to need your best treat. Something 'extra-special', if you catch my drift," said Steven behind his hand.

Lars looked panicked for a moment, a bead of sweat dripping down the side of his face. "Where did you hear I had 'special' treats? I don't have anything like that!"

Steven leaned into the counter, oblivious to Lars' discomfort. "Don't be that way Lars! I know all kinds of things, and I am one-hundred percent sure that you're just the guy I need."

Lars pulled at his collar, looking anywhere but at Steven. "Look, I can't just give something like that to you, you know? It wouldn't be right."

Steven was confused. Why wouldn't it be right for Lars to share the best of the Big Donut with his customers? He drummed his fingers on the counter, frowning at the hapless employee.

"Well, it's not for me, it's for Pearl. Come on, do me a solid here. She finally wants to loosen up a little, and I can't let her down!"

Lars squinted at the boy. "Wait, you mean the uptight bird-lady? She's seriously sending a kid to get her stuff? Wow, I didn't have her pegged as the type."

Steven shrugged back at him. "She didn't really send me, I came here on my own. I just really wanted to give her something nice, you know? Please Lars? She's been really, really tense lately. Even Garnet says she needs to unwind." Steven stared up at him with puppy-dog eyes.

Lars considered that. "Can't disagree with you there. I don't think I've ever met anybody who was in as dire need of a chill-pill as her."

"Exactly! I knew you'd understand. Think of all the times she's saved you! You're doing a public-service here," said Steven.

The store-clerk rubbed his chin, and came to a decision. "Public service eh? All right Steven, you got me. I guess I can hook you up."

He went into the back room, returning with a bag, and fished a brownie out of it. "This is the most special brownie I've ever laid hands on. It's from Sour Cream's latest rave-batch."

"I didn't know Sour Cream baked."

"Nobody bakes more than Sour Cream, bud. Trust me, this is top of the line," said Lars. He leaned down, poking Steven's chest. "You'd better not be pulling fast-one on me here. You don't eat this, got it?"

"Got it. "

"And don't tell anybody who gave it to you!"

Steven replied affirmatively. He thought this was an odd request, but maybe Lars and Sour Cream didn't want to be swamped with too much business. It must be hard work making the best treats in the city. He was about to leave the shop when he smacked his head, remembering something important.

"Hey Lars, how much do I owe you for this?"

"Don't worry about it this time, I got that for free, and you're right. Your crazy mom-substitute _has_ saved me several times. And she really, seriously, needs to calm the heck down. This one's on the house, as long as you promise not to come back asking for more all the time."

Steven opened the door, stepping out. "Oh, and don't let her eat it all at once, okay?" Lars called after him. Steven nodded; it wouldn't be good to waste something like this.

* * *

Steven ran back up the steps and burst through the door, panting. "All right Pearl, here it is. I have it on the highest junk-food authority that this is the best treat in Beach City!"

Pearl paused in the middle of performing a series of katas, dismissing her spear. Garnet set the final Twinkle on a snack-cake ziggeraut she was constructing and looked up. Amethyst continued to sprawl on the couch. She was still chowing down, and the pile was starting to look like an even distribution between empty wrappers and intact edibles.

He handed Pearl the heavily plastic-wrapped brownie with a huge smile. Pearl smiled shakily back; for some reason she didn't look very excited. She looked back at Garnet and Amethyst, who were both watching her steadily, then to Steven. His smile started to falter, and she sighed, carefully unwrapping the treat.

She sniffed it suspiciously, wrinkling her nose. "Are you sure about this? It smells a little strange."

"Quit stalling, buzz-kill. Down the hatch! Do eeet!" Amethyst kept repeating the last part of her statement, chanting at Pearl.

"Uuugh. Stop calling me that! I said I was going to do it and I will."

"Get on with it, then," said Garnet.

Pearl held the brownie gingerly, as though she were handling a poisonous snake. She took a deep breath, closed her eyes-

"Oh, right, Lars said not to eat it all at-"

-and stuffed the whole thing quickly into her mouth.

"-once," Steven finished lamely.

It was a shame to see her fail to savor such high quality baked goods, but he decided not to comment further. Everybody had their own style of snacking, after all. The pale Gem's whole face shifted rapidly through a variety of expressions, and Steven grew concerned. Amethyst, on the other hand, was not concerned at all. She was laughing uproariously.

"How is it?"

Pearl looked down at him, and her face contorted into what might have been a smile. She gave him a thumbs up and then squeezed her eyes shut again, swallowing the brownie. She coughed, pounding her chest, and for a second he thought she was choking. Then she breathed deeply.

"That was... quite an experience, Steven. Thank you for getting it for me."

Steven grabbed a fritter like the one Pearl had originally selected off of the pile, tossing it to her. "Here you go, now you can have the fritter, too!"

She yelped, tossing it between her hands like a hot potato before flipping it back to the pile. "N-no thank you. That last treat was so, uh, good that I just don't think anything else can measure up."

"Bu-huh-huzzz kill-"

"Knock it off Amethyst, she's had enough ribbing today," Garnet cut in, preventing her from tormenting Pearl further. "Come on, Gems, we need to go collect more of those weapons."

The largest Gem stood, brushing one of Amethyst's discarded wrappers off of her suit. Steven stared forlornly at the remains of Snack-pocalypse. He had barely even gotten started on it.

"Let's go Steven. The junk-mountain will still be here when you get back," said Garnet. She was right, it would still be there when they got back. Steven still slipped a fritter into his pocket before running over to the warp pad.

* * *

Steven sat on the hilt of a gigantic sword that was sticking out of the ground at an angle, pointing out weapons to the Gems from his vantage point. They had fallen into a rhythm, the three adult Gems alternating trips back to the temple while he pointed out items they couldn't see and sang songs to keep morale up.

Garnet was hauling an oversized sword, almost as large as the one Steven was sitting on. She made it to the warp-pad and vanished, sword in tow. Steven shifted his focus to Amethyst, who was cartwheeling through a patch of strawberries. He was about to call a warning when she yelled, snatching her hand back from a spear-tip that was sticking out of a bush. She nabbed it and started poking around the other bushes.

Steven cast his eyes about for Pearl. She was standing in the same spot she had been in the last time he looked at her, staring at a wavy blade. Something was off, she hadn't moved a muscle for several minutes.

"Pearl?" He called down to her. She ignored him, still focused on the weapon she held.

Steven dangled off of the hilt and jumped down, making his way over to Pearl. She was standing stock-still, a huge grin on her face, holding the wavy green blade in front of her and staring at it, giggling quietly.

"Uh, Pearl? What's going on?"

She blinked slowly, looking from Steven to the blade and back to Steven, the grin never leaving her face. Then she burst into raucous laughter, and Steven edged away from her. That seemed to register, and she dropped the sword, trying to fight down the giggles.

"I'm sor-ry Ste-ven. Hahaha, whew, it's just. It's just that sword. Look at it."

He picked up the blade. It looked like a wavy green sword to him. He moved it around a little, trying to figure out what was so funny, and Pearl cracked up again. Steven squinted at her in confusion.

"Pearl are you okay?"

"Yes, of course Steven. I am fiiiiiiiiine. It's just that the sword is so ridiculous. I-I can't-" she dissolved into giggles again.

"I'm gonna just take this, and go get Garnet, okay?" He backed away from her slowly. "You stay right there, I'll be back in a minute."

"O~kay," Pearl replied amicably. She sat right in the middle of a strawberry bush, not even flinching as the juice stained her clothes. That more than anything else told Steven that something was very wrong with her.

Steven jogged across the field, dropping the sword what he hoped was a safe distance away from Pearl and making his way back to the teleportation device. He was just about to step on the pad and activate it when Garnet reappeared. The boy quickly explained the situation to his more sane guardian, leading Garnet back to where Pearl was supposed to be. Unfortunately, she had managed to make herself scarce in the short time his back had been turned.

"Whooo!"

Steven and Garnet whirled in the direction of the noise. Pearl had un-done her waist ribbon, and was using it to swing herself in a circle around the pommel of yet another giant sword. Red lines of what Steven guessed was strawberry juice were streaked across her face like war paint. She lost her grip on the ribbon and went flying, Garnet and Steven staring open-mouthed after her.

Garnet dismissed her shades, blinking with all three of her eyes as Pearl stood up in the distance and pranced haphazardly through the fields. Steven was mildly impressed that she still managed to pull-off her complex ballet moves even with all of the bushes in the way.

"Yeah, that's... we need to get her back to the temple, now."

Steven watched as she dashed out into the field after Pearl, who laughed and evaded her clumsily. Eventually the loopy Gem was slung over one of Garnet's shoulders she marched back toward the pad. Pearl did not seem to mind her predicament much. Garnet cringed as her burden started loudly belting what Steven recognized as a song from his father's old music collection, although he was pretty sure she was getting the lyrics wrong.

"This is Maaaaajor Pearl to ground con~trol..."

* * *

Back at the Gem Temple, Amethyst sprawled across the couch once again, munching on a fresh bag popcorn as she enjoyed the Pearl Show.

"I dunno you guys. I kinda like her better like this."

Pearl was projecting random images from her Gem. She was currently staring down a bug-eyed goldfish floating in the air in front of her.

"Goldfish are the silliest creatures. Such amazingly stupid eyes," said Pearl dazedly.

"Heh, yeah. When you're right, you're right P," Amethyst replied. She turned to Steven. "See what I mean?"

Steven wasn't sure how okay he should be with this. Pearl was obviously not well, but he really liked seeing her get along with Amethyst. Garnet exited her room, addressing her family.

"I can't get a good read on what's going to happen. Something is really wrong with Pearl's head. She's not capable of making rational decisions, and her time-line is a total mess. I'm getting a headache trying to sort through it all, but I can say whatever is happening will be over in a few hours. We just have to keep an eye on her until then."

Amethyst looked over at Pearl. "I don't mind hanging out here until she's over it. This is pretty great."

Steven nodded. "I'll stay with them too. We can finish Snack-pocalypse!"

Pearl's hologram had disappeared, and now she was intently gazing at the Gem leader. "Garnet. You have the BEST hair."

"Hmm. I'm going to keep working on the weapon situation then. Make sure Pearl stays here you two."

"You got it!" said Steven. Amethyst gave a thumbs up, and Garnet headed back to the ancient battlefield.

Steven and Amethyst continued their 'tradition', while Pearl entertained them with her holograms. Now that he knew she wasn't in any serious danger, he was enjoying the situation. She was every bit as good as late night television, without technically being television, so he wasn't grounded from watching.

After a while, Steven remembered something. "Hey, do you still want to try some of this now?" He held up the last box of Caramel Comets.

Pearl contemplated this as though she were planning a particularly intensive battle strategy. "I don't know – food does sound oddly appealing at the moment, but, it's so nasty Steven. There's all that..." she waved a hand around in an overly complicated gesture, "...all that awful digesting."

"It's not that bad. I digest stuff all the time!"

Pearl nodded sagely. "True."

She picked up a packaged cherry pie, turning it over in her hands and squinting at the label. Amethyst reached over her shoulder and plucked it out of her spindly fingers. "Nah, P, don't go for the Porter Pies. They changed the recipe and they're gross now."

Steven hung his head. He hadn't known about the change until after he'd picked up a box of them last week.

"Here, have a Click-Clack. These things are like, the king of terrible snack cakes." Amethyst replaced the pie she had confiscated with a foil-wrapped cupcake.

Pearl seemed more interested in the foil than the cake, tearing small pieces off and watching as they fluttered to the ground. Once there was nothing left but chocolate, she turned it over in her hands contemplatively. Frosting stuck to her fingertips, and she frowned at her empty hand, holding up the cake in the other.

Pearl tasted the chocolate on one of her fingers tentatively, and her eyes widened. "This tastes like the feeling of stabbing centipeedles."

"What?" her audience chorused.

"You know, like-" she trailed off yet again, searching for the right words,"-like a minor, satisfying victory. No real substance, but still incredibly enjoyable for reasons I can't explain."

Amethyst leaned closer to Steven, whispering in his ear. "You should totally get your phone out and record her. This is priceless."

"I don't think she would like that very much," he whispered back. "We shouldn't be mean, she can't help herself right now."

"Jeez, take over for Pearl as the killjoy squad, why don't you," muttered Amethyst. She dropped the subject, returning her attention to the riveting diversion going on in front of her. Pearl was taking tiny bites of the Click-Clack, and making an astonishing array of faces each time she swallowed.

"It's good. So~oo good, but... it's also still horrible. This is very conflicting," said Pearl. She appeared to decide it was worth the discomfort for the moment, because she kept taking little bites, making noises of disgust between each one.

Amethyst and Steven looked on, engrossed. "We should probably take that away, and save her from herself," said Steven. Amethyst nodded in agreement. "Yeah probably."

Neither of them moved a muscle.

"I just can't look away though," said Amethyst.

"Yeah."

"How does her face even DO that?"

They had were so taken in by the train-wreck of Pearl and the snack cake that they hadn't even noticed Garnet's return. She walked by with a pile of small weapons in her arms, disappearing into her room unnoticed as Pearl finished her harrowing confrontation with the Click-Clack.

"Uuuh, do you want to try something else?" asked Steven nervously. Before Pearl could answer, Amethyst was opening a bag of Green-Chili Doraditos. "Here, try some of these, they're the best!"

Pearl took one, examining it as carefully as she had scrutinized the cupcake. She reached a very important conclusion. "This looks just like Peridot's head."

Amethyst blinked, looking as though she had just heard the revelation of a lifetime. "Whoa. It totally does."

The three companions pondered that idea for a moment more, then cracked up. Soon, everyone was holding green chips and imitating the hostile Gem's robotic voice. Pearl, surprisingly, was doing a dead-on impression of her, much to Amethyst and Steven's amusement. After the Dorodito overlords had thoroughly conquered the Breakfast-Friend Gummy rebellion with their army of Jaw-Killers, Steven realized he was getting thirsty.

While he was rummaging through the fridge for a soda, he heard panicked rambling from Pearl, followed by a shout from Amethyst and crashing noises. He ran back to the living room in time to see the door slam, and hear a distant cry of "For Rose and Steven!"

Amethyst was kneeling near the door, clutching her stomach. Pearl was nowhere to be seen.

"What happened!?"

"I don't really know. Pearl just started freaking out! She was blathering about how 'that overgrown Dorodito could be anywhere'," Amethyst punctuated the description with air quotes, making her voice nasally in a poor impression of Pearl. "Then she said she had to do something and ran out of the room. I think she fell down the stairs."

Steven made his way over to the purple Gem, crouching down next to her. "Why didn't you stop her, did she hurt you?"

Amethyst shook her head. "No. I just kinda overdid it with the snackage, heheh."

Steven scowled at her, folding his arms. "What? How was I supposed to know she was going to just wig out all of a sudden? Do I look like Garnet to you?" said Amethyst defensively.

As soon as the words had left Amethyst's mouth, the door to Garnet's room slid open. She took in the scene and rubbed her temples in frustration, not even bothering to ask for an explanation.

"Come on, Steven, let's go look for her," she turned to Amethyst. "You stay here and re-think your choices."

They stepped out onto the porch, hearing retching noises behind them.

"-and clean that up before we get back," Garnet added.

* * *

Steven rode on Garnet's shoulders as she ran across the Beach City boardwalk, searching for signs of the lost Gem. They combed all of the usual Crystal Gem haunts, hoping Pearl had gravitated toward something familiar. After about an hour, Steven poked Garnet's shoulder.

"Maybe we should ask Dad for help. He could drive us around in the van," Steven suggested.

He felt Garnet shrug under him. "I don't see why not," she said, altering her course and running toward the car wash. When they arrived, they were greeted by a friendly wave from Greg as he finished hosing down a truck.

"Hey guys, what are we saving the world from today?" He said.

"Pearl." Garnet replied, deadpan as ever.

"Huh?" The hose emptied itself onto the ground as Greg held it limply. Steven jumped from Garnet's shoulders and ran to turn the water off; he knew his dad had to watch the bill.

"Something's wrong with Pearl, and she's acting really weird. Amethyst and I were supposed to watch her, but, uh, she kinda got out," the boy explained.

"What happened to her?" asked Greg, concerned.

"I don't know, but Garnet says it'll be over soon. We just have to make sure she doesn't hurt herself until then. Can you drive us around while we look for her?"

"Yeah, sure thing!" said Greg. He fished his keys out of his pocket and waved for them to follow him to the van. Garnet perched herself on top while Steven took shotgun, and they started down the road.

"Hey, what about my truck!?" An angry customer yelled after them.

"Sor-ry," Greg yelled back out the window. "Free wash on your next visit!"

* * *

Greg and Steven caught up with one another while they drove. Greg played a few tracks from his latest album for his son, and Steven bobbed along to the music. His dad was getting better all the time, and Steven was delighted to hear the progress. They circled a street behind Fun-Land, and Steven spotted Onion sprinting out of an alley, a robonoid held out in front of him. Greg slammed the breaks as the diminutive delinquent ran into the street.

"Watch where you're going, kid! I almost clobbered you!" Greg hollered out of the window.

A shadowy form wearing dark blues and blacks from head to toe dropped from the rooftops, blocking Onion's path. Steven immediately recognized Pearl. If the lanky figure had not given her away, the gratuitous flourishing movements would have.

Steven fumbled to open the door, and Garnet jumped off the roof, grabbing the would-be ninja by the scruff of her neck. The youngest Gem stumbled out of the van. Pearl was contained, so he went after Onion.

"You shouldn't have that!"

"Be careful Steven, I think he's a Dorodito sympathizer. He stole my test-bot!" Pearl warned. Garnet pulled the wrapping off of her face and set the smaller Gem on her feet, keeping a hand on the back of her neck.

"What's all this then?" Steven heard Garnet ask as he wrestled the robonoid away from Onion.

The mute troublemaker decided to cut his losses, backing away from Steven and making a threatening gesture with two fingers to his eyes before taking off back down the alley.

"What's all of what?" Pearl swayed, and Garnet tightened her grip, motioning with her free hand up and down her captive's body. Pearl looked at herself in puzzlement. "Ooooh, right. Well, I was trying to be stealthy, so I could steal the robonoid back. I don't want to fight a child."

"You don't match with anything around us," said Garnet.

Pearl looked around, appearing to notice her surroundings for the first time. A light blue blush tinged her cheeks, and her gem glowed. The ridiculous outfit was replaced by a slightly less ridiculous outfit.

"Uh, Pearl. Your ribbon's backwards," said Steven helpfully.

Pearl blinked, looking down to see the bow of her ribbon on the front of her body. She grabbed it with her hands and turned it around hastily. Steven cringed at his guardian's sorry state. Her hair was beyond disheveled, and her skin was still smeared with strawberry juice.

At least the newly summoned outfit was clean, but it was still a far cry from her usual orderly appearance. The bow was misaligned, and her tunic was twisted from the adjustment, with the left side riding up. One of her socks was also missing.

Steven felt a hand on his shoulder, and he turned to see Greg's mouth agape as he looked Pearl up and down. The hand lifted, and Greg moved closer, stroking his beard as he peered into Pearl's red, dilated eyes.

He made a "Hmmm..." noise, and told the group to wait while went back to the van, returning with one of Steven's light-up yo-yos. Greg tossed the yo-yo a few times, and Pearl's entire head bobbed up and down as she followed its progress. He nodded like a researcher completing a formal test.

Greg faced Garnet, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "I can't quite believe it, but I think I know what's up with Pearl," he said.

"So," Garnet prompted when he failed to elaborate. "What's going on?"

Greg shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at his son. "I'm not sure Steven's old enough for this one..."

"He's old enough to fight Gem monsters," said Garnet. Steven folded his arms, putting on his serious face. "Yeah, Dad, come on! I want to know what's wrong too."

"Aaaugh, right, sure. Okay, yeah," Greg stalled. His expression became stern as he came to a decision, and he moved closer to Pearl.

"I've played a lot of seedy venues, and I've seen this a million times. You," he jabbed a finger at Pearl for emphasis, "are completely stoned! What were you even thinking?"

Pearl cocked an eyebrow at him like he had just proclaimed that the sky was, in fact, blue. "Yes, Greg, of course I'm a stone," she said in what she probably thought was a patient tone. "Didn't Rose go over this with you?"

Greg smacked his face with a hand. "Not _a stone_, stoned! Stone-d. As in, purple haze all in your brain!"

"Hmph. My brain has no such haze!"

"You seem pretty hazy to me right now," said Garnet, lifting Pearl up to her eye-level for inspection. She turned to Greg. "What do you mean, she's stoned?"

Steven's dad massaged his forehead, groaning. "Wait, you guys don't even know what that means? How long have you been on Earth again?" He looked from one Gem to the next, shaking his head. Steven had no idea what he was talking about, and he was a lot more well versed in Earthly things than the rest of the Gems.

"Pearl, did you inhale smoke of any kind today?"

"No, of course not! Smoking is a filthy habit," she said indignantly.

Greg scratched his head. "Huh. Well, it can't have been special brownies. You have a fit whenever anybody tries to get you to eat."

Steven's eyes widened, "Oh no!" Everyone turned to look at him.

"Uh, guys, I think I might have goofed up big-time."

* * *

The sun was setting as Greg parked his van at the Gem Temple. Steven had received an education on certain slang terms, as well as a lecture on what certain substances were and why he shouldn't try them. In the last few minutes of the drive, it had finally fully registered with Pearl that she had ingested something mind-altering, and she was beginning to panic. Fortunately, Greg was well-versed in handling these sorts of situations.

"I'm sorry, but there's not really an antidote. You just kind of have to ride it out," he told her. Pearl did not look reassured in the slightest. Greg got out of the car, opening up the back hatch while the others piled out.

"Here, I think I can help," he said, rummaging through the mess and coming up with two coloring books, and some colored pencils.

"Oh hey, I was wondering where that stuff went," said Steven.

Greg handed out the art supplies while Garnet supervised silently.

"Here, color these in with Steven. I'm going to put on some chill tunes for you, just try to relax. Focus on filling in the shapes," he said. He set a camping light on the back of the van, and spread out a blanket over the sand for the pair to sit on.

Steven happily obliged, flopping down on the blanket and patting the spot next to him. Pearl hesitated.

"Better do as Greg says," Garnet encouraged her. "He's the one with all the experience here."

Soothing, bluesy guitar began emanating from the van's speakers. "Well, I wouldn't call myself an expert or anything," he said, coming back around to sit under the hatch. "But yeah, of course I've run into this. Kinda comes with the territory of being in a band." He laid back against the pile of junk.

Pearl settled in next to her charge without protest. To Steven's surprise she rapidly became absorbed in her coloring, tilting her head to and fro with the music. Steven turned to his own book, filling in the lines and drawing in a few of his own creative touches, chatting with his dad as he did so.

Once she was satisfied that Pearl wouldn't be freaking out or wandering off again, Garnet thanked Greg and left to check on Amethyst. Steven and Pearl continued to fill the books in silence while Greg enjoyed the sunset, serenaded by an excellent selection of classic rock. After a while, Pearl looked up from her neatly filled outlines.

"Hey Greg?"

Greg sat up. "Yeah?"

"Thank you for helping me. You didn't have to stay," said Pearl.

"I kinda did. It was no biggie though."

Pearl rubbed one of her eyes, trying to process that information. "You _had_ to help?"

"Well, I don't know how it works with Gems, but here on Earth family always helps each other out. I couldn't just leave you hanging," said Greg, hopping off the back of the van to sit with the others. Pearl watched him with a dumbfounded expression.

"You consider me family? Me?"

Greg chuckled at her surprised tone. "What else would I consider you guys? You _are_ helping me raise my kid," he ruffled Steven's hair. Pearl went quiet, zoning out for a short period.

"You know, you're really... what's the world I'm looking for? Ah yes! Cool, I believe that's how the humans put it. You're a really cool human, Greg. I think I'm starting to understand what Rose saw in you now."

It was Greg's turn to stare in surprise. "Wow, you must be _really_ baked."

"Baked?"

Greg laughed. "It's an expression, don't worry about it. I seriously doubt you'll have the context to use it again."

Steven was curious about the odd usage too, but he didn't want to ruin the moment. He couldn't ever remember Pearl being this nice to his dad. Despite how well everything had turned out, he felt a little guilty for causing the mess.

He put his coloring pencils down and hugged Pearl. "I'm sorry again for giving you the weird brownie."

Pearl hugged him back, absently patting him on the head. "Oh, don't worry about it. It's not all that bad, now that I'm used to it. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed." She squeezed him a little tighter, then let go, yawning. "Besides, it's hardly even your fault. How could you have possibly known that absurd euphemism?"

Her last comment caused Greg to scowl in the direction of the Big Donut. "Speaking of fault, I'm gonna have a talk with that Lars guy tomorrow. What kind of idiot gives a hash brownie to a kid?"

"I think I'll join in on that. I have a few choice words for him too," said Pearl. Steven gulped. She didn't sound particularly threatening now, since her tone was still a little spacey, but all traces of mellowness would be long gone in the morning.

He vowed to keep his distance from the Big Donut for a while.


End file.
